lost

Why do I still have feelings.  Why do I still hurt?  Why doesn't he know how I feel.  Oh wait, how stupid of me its because he does not care.  Why do I still wait for him?  Because he does not have any idea how much he meant to me and I unlike him am unable to just turn my feelings off.  I wish things were different but I know Ill likely never hear from him again.  I cant keep trying to contact him because he will lose respect for me.  I feel so used and I feel like I have wasted me time.  I hate how I feel right now, used, rejected.  I wish I knew what I could have done so he would not have left me.  

sleepless

Last night I tossed and turned.  He does not know I still think of him knowing he wont call, knowing he does not care knowing he is probably happy I am out of his life.  He has not idea how miserable I am.  How bad I hurt.  I do not have many people I call a friend.  I have many acquaintances though.  It's so hard to going from someone I shared everything with to the dirt on their shoe.  So disposable.  Why, why why?  I just do not understand why.  I could understand if I treated him bad but I did not do it.  Why do I always blame myself?  I would love the answer to that question.  Why am I so miserable?  

upset/ disappointed

So, I was stupid and decided to make contact to let him know that I was missing him well dumb move on my part.  Here is the cold water in my face, he is an ass.  He was so not worth my time what a waste of time I will never get back.  I wish I could just stop the feelings but I cant.  I feel the pain always.  He had no idea that it tears me up in side for him to throw me away like that.  I know it will be hard but I just cant respond anymore.  I cant talk anymore.  I'm so alone.  I have no one.  I hate my age, I hate dating and beginning to think all men are bad.  I feel so stupid.  I'm sure he is happy and laughs at me not knowing he broke my heart into a million pieces and he does not care either.  I must go on no matter how hard it is for me.  I just want to know what I did wrong.  why does this always happen I give everything to end up with nothing but heart ache and pain and to be alone.  One day I guess Ill be smart but not yet.  I feel so used, so dumb and thrown away like yesterdays trash.

annoyed

Here is what is really bugging me.  some of the students I go to class with are not getting this and I know this is me being mean but Its hard to pay attention and watch someone struggle.
The guy I always talk about has truly earned the ass of the year award in my mind.  I wish I had seen before because I feel like all he was looking for was a booty call.  I hate being so naive sometimes.  I honestly think this was a sign to me that most men are jerks, will always be jerks and to just keep on doing what I'm doing.  I feel like I am better off without them anyways.  I hope its like candy the less you have the less you need it.  so true colors came out and all about me came out in him.  I'm so sure he has moved onto the next victim and has smooth talked her too.  part of me wants to cry but part of me is like well whatever.  I have not choice but to move on no matter what feelings I still have.  I have to remember he threw me away like trash so I just have to pick up the pieces and move on.  I cant cry any more it does not solve or do anything for me except make the hurt and pain come back more intensely.

sad today

I feel sadness today.  I hate that we barely talk.  I fell like I have done something wrong but it was totally his decision and when we talk now its so different.  I feel very used still but at least I don't cry as much.  I wish things were different and I wish I knew what changed his mind.  I think he just got bored of me which really sucks.  It's his loss.  I must focus on school I need to pass so I can be on with my life and do my job and be good at it.  

tired

The silence stopped last night.  I finally heard from him.  It made my day but things are different now its like someone has thrown a rock into a lake the same but forever different.  I'm not sure why he contacts me.  I wonder, does he just want me to wait in the wings?  Did he ever love me?  I did not cry myself to sleep. Did he contact me just to make sure I was OK?  I wonder all these things and I'm not sure why he did this?  Well off to class I must go for now.

I wish

I wish I could forgot but I cant.  Its hard, I am busy during the days but my thoughts often drift to him and he has not contacted me in two days.  I know the phone works both ways but I guess its best to just wait.  I wanted him so much more than he ever anticipated.  I also did not thing I would fall this hard for him story of my life I guess.  I will just say men are like accessories, cool but not needed.  I wish I could make the pain go away.  I wish I could make myself feel better but its just not working its when I'm alone and away from people I allow myself to cry.  Like I mentioned before Karma is my best friend so I have to just wait.  I cant change his feelings toward me or anything like that, I really wish I could but part of me does not think that would be good either.  I hope one day maybe Ill find someone but that does not look promising.  I want to text him just to say hello but the way I have been treated is it worth my time to be nice?  I'm pretty sure Ill just get rejected. yet again and end up alone.